Yes, Another Story About Imposter Syndrome
Like a gerbil on an exercise wheel…
You run and run and run and yet never outrun it.
I go through this 99% of the time regarding my writing. I had it when Chicken Soup for the Soul bought a story of mine. But oddly enough I don’t remember having it when the Washington Post interviewed me or when WJLA in D.C. interviewed me. Or that time when the Pensacola News Journal posted my photography online. I don’t recall it being an issue when I had 61 books on Amazon either. Or maybe I did and I’ve simply forgotten.
If there’s a plus to having had a stroke and having CFS+Fibromyalgia, I forget a lot. So maybe I did have IS and just don’t remember. I would even have panic attacks in college before every midterm and final. I remember emailing my friend Julia about me thinking I was going to fail. Her response?
SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU ALWAYS GET STRAIGHT “A” S.
That’s my Julia! Cuts through all of the bullshit and gets to the heart of the matter just like I do. So what triggered me this time?
Getting my next book ready for publication.
For a couple of years now I’ve had several books lined up to be published. All are in varying stages of readiness. They are written but in PDF form so I have to do a conversion for each of them. Then insert a blank page, then a title page, then the introduction. At the end will be a page, “And Now For The Legal Stuff” where I give attributions where necessary. I may or may not insert some illustrations or photos throughout. We’ll see.
So not a lot. And I had one day where I had just enough energy to be bored but not enough to do much of anything. Sort of like when you’re getting over the flu-you feel better than you did but not well enough to get out of your PJs. So I decided to give Canva another go and design some book covers. I could do that sitting up in bed and keep the reviving brain from being bored to death.
They look pretty good for a starter.
And just like that my body crashed again. I could feel it coming so I kept these and laid down. Horizontally I was at least able to look for hired help. I got on Fiverr and was less than impressed. Eons ago Fiverr was short for gigs starting at $5. Now hardly anyone starts at $5. A lot of gig workers are charging hundreds nowadays. So I kept digging. I finally hit gold. She’s on a different website (thank you Google). She and I exchanged messages back and forth and decided to hire her.
Then I fell off the earth for a day or two but I kept getting messages from her. Finally sitting in the ER two Saturdays ago I tried replying to her but with all of the equipment around I couldn’t get a strong enough signal to reply. Since then I’ve had another ER visit and eye surgery, and I don’t know how many doctor's appointments in between and since. I know she’s not going anywhere but I am beyond frustrated with my body!
I can’t do half the stuff I want to for being sick all the time. It pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak” is no joke. So let’s recap…
When I’m well and producing and living the dream I feel like a fraud. When I’m sick and can’t function I feel like a loser.
Now how in the hell I ask do you fix that situation? My therapist has got to up his game ASAP.
So how have I managed to overcome IS before? By reminding myself of all that I’ve accomplished so far. That’s how.
- Writing and being published in the school paper in the 7th grade
- Writing PSAs for nonprofits in high school
- Having an independent news column in 5 different papers in 2 states
- Writing papers in college that got me “A”s
- Having 61 books on Amazon at one time
- Being interviewed by the Washington Post about my 9–11 story I self-published here
- Having my photography published online at the Pensacola News Journal
- Being interviewed by WJLA in D.C.
- Selling a story to Chicken Soup for the Soul
And I’m sure there are others that I’m forgetting.
The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
I have a proven track record of being able to perform and perform well. I have no doubt, I’ll be able to repeat my success.
Just as soon as my body gets itself together that is. And know this-
If I can do it so can you!
